There's Gotta Be Than This

When I say this I mean there has to be more to my life than the highs and lows of my emotions. I'm still kinda on the low today like yesterday but much higher than yesterday. I found a really old myspace post and I wanted to put it here cause it is relative to me today.
I believe a woman should be beautiful inside out is an option. There are so many women who are so beautiful inside and men just don't see it cause they are so interested in eye candy. Well guess what? Candy melts in heat and water, a women wont. I want to be beautiful inside. I'm fat and ugly I snore and I talk and eat too much and that's ok but I want to be beautiful inside. Beauty isn't always skin deep. There are some pretty people who have beautiful souls. Now my bf says i should drop some pounds and my friends say I should get my hair nails done put on some makeup. will it make me beautiful? No just cheap eye candy. Don't get me wrong I like those stuff but I don't want to be judged by my looks but by my heart and soul. So I've been nicer to people haven't lied recently, and tried to think of others before myself but i still fill like something is missing. I haven't prayed in a while or done any spells, I haven't even meditated which is weird for me. Maybe what I really lack is love of myself and peace of mind. i just wanna be loved and beautiful to someone. Mike will never get it. I sometimes feel he doesn't really love me, just using me like all you other bitches. Yes even you my friends use me somehow (either for your good or something negative). i dont know what to do...

The Marriage Game

So today just marked the end of hiding my feelings. So I started crying out of the blue. One minute I'm reading a really good book, next I'm crying. Recently I have had a weakness for really mushy romance novels and have just absorbed them. Well since I didn't have any homework and one of my classes was canceled, I came home and began Pleasuring the Prince by Patricia Crasso. Now I've read this book many times, this is the only time it has made me cry.
I had to stop at the point right before a marriage cause I just couldn't bare reading. Then I began searching google for wedding superstitions like "something old, something new". So now that I'm thinking about it, I really want to get married. I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 1/2 years now. I mean he is so against getting married. I can understand why. His parents divorced when he was little and mine have been married over 26years. He doesn't get to see his father since they live on two different coasts, and I avoid my parents like the plague. I told him once that I wanted to get married so he couldn't ever leave me, for him to protect me and so I could start over with a family. I distance myself from my family for good reason and I wanted to start one with him. I honestly believe he'd make a great dad and husband.
Anyway so we already act as if we are married, we just don't live together for economic reasons. He always says the next step is that we move in together. I'm not sure if I can. Hello, how long would it take me to get pregnant in that situation. And how many couples stay together and get married after they've had kids together before they got married. I don't want that kind of life for me or my kids. I respect single mothers doing their thing but I don't think I would have the strength.
I just wanna feel as if for once I won't lose someone or someone who say they love me won't hurt or betray me. I know marriage doesn't solve this problem but it would keep him here with me. I don't take saying goodbye very well. Never could.